It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
