So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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