Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
