She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
