I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
someone threw a dead crab at me
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
