I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
