he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
