I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
