she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
