whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
