Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
