I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
