Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
