i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
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