I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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