I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
