Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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