I cannot find my penis.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
your like the ambassador to my penis.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
