your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
