Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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