I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Randomize