I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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