There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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