I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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