so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
