i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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