if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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