That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
