I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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