I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
