i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize