so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
