Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
