If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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