we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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