i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Randomize
