Jerry, you need to find god
Girls should come with a carfax report
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
