I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
