If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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