you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
