true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
