Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
