drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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