You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
