just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Randomize
