Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
