I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
