So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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