Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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