You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
