YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
