I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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