Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
