im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
