Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
