I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
True strength comes from lack of pants
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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