he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
