I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Randomize
