Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
